Why Some Single Mothers Struggle to Remarry and the Healing Nobody Wants to Do | Rick Netshiozwi
- Rick Netshiozwi | Marriage Counselor
- Jan 13
- 5 min read
There is a question I am asked very often, sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly, sometimes through tears:
“Doctor, why do good men come… and then leave?”
When that question is asked, the room is usually quiet. Not because the answer is simple, but because the answer is painful.Over the years, I have sat with single mothers who are intelligent, hardworking, loving, prayerful, attractive, and emotionally aware. And yet, relationship after relationship stalls, collapses, or quietly fades away. Because in nearly two decades of counselling, I have learned this truth:
Many single mothers do not struggle to remarry because men are unavailable, they struggle because healing was postponed in the name of survival.
“Doctor, I Don’t Know Why They Don’t Stay”
I remember a woman who came into my office with a notebook full of questions. She had dated three serious men in six years. All of them had spoken about marriage. All of them had eventually withdrawn. Her voice trembled when she said,
“I don’t understand. They say I’m amazing. They say I’m strong. They say I’m a great mother. And then… they leave.”
I asked her a question that changed the tone of the session:
“When was the last time you allowed someone to truly carry you emotionally?”
She stared at me. Silent. And then she whispered:
“I don’t know how to do that anymore.”
That sentence alone explains more broken relationships than people realize.
Survival Was Necessary, But It Was Never Meant to Become Identity.
Single motherhood forces survival. You do not have the luxury of falling apart. Children need food. School needs fees. Life needs structure. So you push forward. You adapt. You harden where needed. You learn to cope without help. That strength is real.That resilience is admirable.
But here is the truth many people do not want to hear:
Survival skills are excellent for crisis, but dangerous for intimacy.
I have counselled many single mothers who no longer know the difference between:
independence and emotional isolation
strength and control
boundaries and walls
They are not cold. They are conditioned.
“Doctor, I Don’t Trust Peace Anymore”
One of the most heartbreaking confessions I have ever heard came from a woman who said:
“When things are calm, I become anxious. I’m always waiting for something to go wrong.”
This is common. When a woman has been abandoned, betrayed, or left to raise a child alone, her nervous system adapts to instability. Chaos becomes familiar. Control becomes safety. So when a good man arrives, consistent, calm, emotionally available, something inside her becomes uneasy. Not because he is wrong.But because peace feels unfamiliar.
I have watched women test good men without realizing it. Push boundaries. Withdraw emotionally. Overemphasize independence. Delay commitment.
And when the man finally pulls away, the pain confirms the belief:
“See? Men don’t stay.”
But what actually happened is more complex.
Unhealed Pain Changes How Love Is Received.
Let me say something gently but truthfully:
Love is not rejected because it is unwanted , it is rejected because it threatens the systems that kept you safe.
In counselling sessions, I often hear single mothers say:
“I don’t want to depend on anyone.”
“I can’t afford to be vulnerable.”
“I need to stay in control.”
These statements are understandable. But they also silence intimacy.
Because intimacy requires:
softness
surrender
emotional risk
the willingness to be carried
And when a woman has carried everything alone for years, being carried feels dangerous.
The Child Becomes the Emotional Anchor.
This is one of the most sensitive truths and one of the most important.
Many single mothers, without intention, begin to emotionally bond with their children in ways that replace adult partnership. I once counselled a woman whose teenage son knew every detail of her emotional struggles, her dating frustrations, and her disappointments.
She said,
“He understands me better than any man.”
And that was exactly the problem. Children are not meant to be emotional partners.They are meant to be protected , not burdened. When a child becomes the primary emotional anchor, there is no emotional vacancy left for a spouse. Men sense this. They may not articulate it, but they feel it. And slowly, they withdraw.
“Doctor, I Feel Like I’m Competing With Her Past”
A Tsonga man once said to me while being counselled in Durban:
“I feel like I’m dating her pain, not just her.”
That sentence is heavy and accurate.
Many single mothers carry unresolved grief:
grief of abandonment
grief of betrayal
grief of the family they imagined
grief of wasted years
And when grief is not processed, it becomes projection. Good men are interrogated for mistakes they have not made. Consistency is doubted. Intentions are questioned. Peace is sabotaged. Not out of malice, but fear.
Strength Can Silence Femininity.
This part is often misunderstood, so I will speak carefully. Femininity is not weakness. Softness is not incompetence. Receiving is not dependency. But survival can train a woman to lead emotionally, protect fiercely, and control outcomes. And while these traits save lives in crisis, they can intimidate partnership.
I have counselled men who said:
“I don’t feel needed — only tolerated.”
Men do not only want to be present. They want to be emotionally invited. When strength becomes dominance and independence becomes isolation, love struggles to land.
Why Remarriage Requires Healing, Not Just Readiness.
Many single mothers say they are “ready” for marriage. But readiness is not the same as healing.
Healing asks:
Have you grieved properly?
Have you forgiven , not excused, but released?
Have you separated survival from identity?
Have you made space emotionally for partnership?
I have seen women rush into relationships because time feels like an enemy, only to realize later that old wounds followed them into new love.
Marriage does not heal trauma. It reveals it.
A Session I Will Never Forget
A woman once looked at me and said,
“Doctor, I think I don’t struggle to remarry because men don’t want me. I think I struggle because I don’t know who I am without fighting.”
This Is Not Condemnation; It Is Invitation
Let me be clear: this blog is not telling single mothers they are broken.
It is saying:
You survived what should have destroyed you, now you must heal what survival shaped.
You deserve rest. You deserve partnership. You deserve softness. You deserve to be held emotionally. But healing requires courage, not just strength.
Some single mothers struggle to remarry, not because they are undesirable.
They struggle because:
survival became identity
pain became familiar
control replaced trust
independence replaced intimacy
And none of that makes you weak. It makes you human. But the same strength that carried you through crisis must now be laid down, intentionally, if love is to stay.
📲 Contact Rick Today: Call / WhatsApp: +27 67 703 3585
Email: info@ricknetshiozwi.com
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