Understanding the Hidden Factors Behind Communication Breakdowns in Marriage | Rick Netshiozwi
- Rick Netshiozwi | Marriage Counselor
- 3 days ago
- 5 min read
Updated: 12 hours ago
You keep talking, but it’s like you’re speaking two different languages. You say one thing—they hear another. You try to explain, but somehow it always turns into an argument. You want peace, but everything feels like war. And now, talking feels dangerous. Silence feels safer. So you speak less. Share less. Trust less. And the marriage begins to shrink.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Poor communication is one of the leading causes of distance, frustration, emotional shutdown, and ultimately divorce. But here’s the truth most couples miss: communication doesn’t fail because you don’t talk—it fails because you don’t feel heard, seen, or safe.
Communication is not about how much you say. It’s about how you’re received. It’s not about perfect words. It’s about emotional presence. And in most marriages, it’s not the words that are the problem—it’s what’s underneath them.
I’ve sat in sessions where a wife says, “I just need him to talk,” and the husband replies, “Every time I talk, it turns into a debate.” I’ve listened to husbands who say, “I tell her what I feel,” but she doesn’t feel anything he says because his tone is cold, or defensive, or detached. And I’ve watched wives speak from deep emotion, only to be met with silence or logic instead of empathy.
Communication fails because connection is missing.
You can’t communicate effectively with someone you’ve stopped connecting with emotionally. It’s like trying to pour water into a cup with a hole—no matter how much you give, it keeps leaking out. So let’s fix the hole.
Here’s what every couple needs to understand: behind every word is a feeling, and behind every feeling is a need. If you only hear the word and miss the feeling—you’ll miss the point. If you only hear the complaint and not the cry behind it, you’ll argue instead of comfort.
When your spouse says, “You never help around the house,” they’re not just complaining—they’re crying out, “I feel overwhelmed and invisible.” When your spouse says, “You’re always on your phone,” they’re not attacking you—they’re saying, “I miss your attention. I feel replaced.”
But if you don’t hear the heart, you’ll fight about the surface. You’ll defend your actions instead of addressing their emotions. And the conversation will fail—again.
Another reason communication fails is defensiveness. You’re not listening to understand—you’re listening to defend. You’re planning your comeback instead of leaning into compassion. And in that moment, your spouse becomes your opponent—not your partner.
The antidote to defensiveness is humility. When you choose to hear someone without justifying yourself, you create a safe space for honesty. And when honesty feels safe, communication begins to flow again.
Some couples can’t communicate because they haven’t healed from previous conversations. Words were said in the past that wounded deeply. Trust was broken. Respect was lost. And now, every new conversation feels like a fresh battle. The moment they raise their voice or roll their eyes—you shut down. Not because of what’s happening now—but because of what never got healed before.
If that’s you, don’t just try to communicate better. Go back and heal the wounds that are still bleeding. Apologize. Acknowledge what happened. Forgive. Maturity is not just saying new words—it’s making sure the old ones don’t keep poisoning the present.
I’ve also seen communication fail because of tone and timing. You may be saying something valid, but if your tone is harsh, sarcastic, or dismissive—your message won’t land. And if your timing is off (right when they’re tired, busy, stressed, or distracted), the conversation won’t bear fruit.
Wisdom says, “Let me think about how and when I say this.” Because a well-timed word in a gentle tone can do what shouting never could.
Here’s something that might shock you: your spouse may not actually be a bad communicator—they just don’t feel emotionally safe with you anymore. Maybe every time they shared, you exploded. Maybe they tried in the past, but you shut them down. Maybe they were mocked, ignored, interrupted, or dismissed. And so they stopped trying.
Communication shuts down when people don’t feel emotionally safe to be honest. If your spouse goes quiet, it’s not always because they don’t care—it’s often because they no longer trust that they’ll be heard with respect.
So ask yourself: Do I make it safe for my partner to speak their truth?
Some of you are saying, “But Rick, I talk. I try.” And that’s good. But remember: communication is not what you say—it’s what they understand. If they’re not understanding you, it doesn’t mean you’re bad—it just means the method needs adjusting.
Are you listening with your ears or with your heart? Are you giving them solutions when they just wanted your support? Are you quoting Scripture to fix them when what they needed was a shoulder to cry on?
Even well-meaning people can damage connection when they offer logic in a moment that called for love.
And sometimes, communication fails because the marriage has become too crowded. Too many outside voices. Too much noise. Too much social media. Too much pressure. Too little quiet. You haven’t had a real conversation in weeks that didn’t involve logistics. You haven’t sat down, phones off, and really seen each other in a long time.
Intimacy cannot grow in noise. You must create space for it. Put your phone away. Turn the TV off. Sit across from each other and say, “How are you really?” Ask about their dreams. Their stress. Their fears. Not just the calendar, the budget, or the school schedule.
Let the soul speak again.
And please, remember: prayer is communication too. If you can’t talk to each other yet—start by talking to God together. Invite Him into your space. Say one-minute prayers over each other. It might feel strange. But spiritual unity can often begin what emotional unity hasn’t been able to.
I’ve watched couples who couldn’t say “I love you” without pain—begin to laugh again, talk again, dream again. Not because they learned fancy communication tools. But because they humbled themselves. They listened deeper. They started seeing the person behind the problem. They chose connection over correction. And you can too.
Your communication doesn’t have to keep failing. You just have to change how you see it.
You’re not trying to win an argument—you’re trying to win their heart.
You’re not trying to fix them—you’re trying to feel them.
You’re not trying to be right—you’re trying to be close.
So start today. Ask the questions. Create the space. Say what you’ve been afraid to say—but with gentleness, not judgment.
And if you need help, I’m here to walk with you.
Don’t Let Communication Be the Death of Connection
Rick Netshiozwi has helped thousands of couples heal their communication, rebuild emotional safety, and restore closeness with tools that work in real life. If you're tired of talking without being heard—it's time for a new way.
📲 Contact Rick Today: Call / WhatsApp: +27 67 703 3585
Email: info@ricknetshiozwi.com
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